Pool for Girls

Girls are nice. If someone offers us advice we think that it's a lovely part of sharing and communism. We don't want to dominate everyone and use them as our sex slave.We don't have nasty Freudian repressed power-hungry complexes that find their expression in fun recreational activities.

However, if we are going to survive in the big-fish-eats-small-fish world of the pool hall, this kind of pushover mentality has to stop. How many times have you seen a perfectly strong and able-bodied girl reduced to a quivering dumping ground for male paternalistic impulses in the pool hall? If a female shows any hint of hesitation in taking her shot, a male will appear out of nowhere to advise her. He will think for her, calling out which ball she should aim for, not giving her a chance to announce her own perfectly logical and skillful intentions. Prompted by a display of doubt on the part of the female, he will indulge in an elaborate ritual of locating the spot on the ball that she should aim for, without asking whether she is capable of finding the spot herself.

If the man succeeds in attaining complete dominance he will even attempt a 'lean-in.' The female fumbles with the cue and looks seductively clueless. The man takes over her her body, leaning over her and guiding the shot, while the female trembles appreciatively. Now, from a flirtatious and sexual standpoint, this is not a bad strategy, but the damage to one's pool prestige can be irreparable. Once a male has been permitted to give unsolicited advice he will not stop. Any pretence you have of being a serious and worthy pool player is over. If it has gotten as far as the lean-in and you end up marrying him, you are going to be one of those mousy valium-addicted wives and your life is shit.

The only way to prevent this kind of downward spiral is to act as if you know how to play pool. This acting 'as if' is what inexperienced male players do every day. In your mind you must act as if you are Paul Newman, or Minnesota Fats, or Willie Mosconi. In your dealings with the game, you must exude personal pride and a 'can do' attitude that naturally deters would-be advisers. Giggling is out of the question. Pausing, except with a knowing and determined air, is prohibited. Apologies of any sort are punishable by death.

Rule 2: Show no weakness or doubt. Do not hesitate. Accept no advice. Let nobody near you when you are shooting, however much you fancy them. Never apologize and never, ever, turn your back on the table.

[A note on talking: One of the ways we girls cope with our feelings of inadequacy is to gossip with our mates between shots. When our turn comes around we are patronisingly summoned back to the table where we reinforce our feelings of worthlessness by having to admit that we've forgotten which colour ball our side is shooting for. This will not do. An important part of acting 'as if' is to stay focused and aloof between shots. The odd bit of chit-chat of the "How about those Mets?" variety is acceptable and even normal, but full length anecdotes must be avoided at all costs. Never turn your back on the table -- stick around and watch your opponent's shot with a wily and knowing expression. Chalk your cue carefully and slowly. Wrinkle your brow as if you are planning three shots ahead. It may all seem a bit intense and humorless but it's the only way forward for our people.]