As a boy, John Schoneboom voluntarily signed up for Little League year after tortured year. His only hit ever was disallowed by virtue of his having used an aluminum bat. John doesn't even like aluminum bats.
Once, in Amherst, Massachusetts, he was accused of stealing some sunglasses when he hadn't done it. He was forced to endure the indignity of a thorough personal search, but he didn't really mind. Schoneboom had recently stolen so many other pairs, he was willing to concede he was probably giving off that shoplifter vibe.
Proudest accomplishment? Good at memorizing. He can quote you a lot of Bugs Bunny lines. I mean, a LOT of Bugs Bunny lines. You know what I'm saying?
The following features bear John's insidious imprint: