As a boy, John Schoneboom voluntarily signed up for Little League year after tortured year. His only hit ever was disallowed by virtue of his having used an aluminum bat. John doesn't even like aluminum bats.
John recalls scratching his leg like mad all the way home from school one day, only to discover upon eventual trouser removal the shmeared remains of a whole cricket.
John is fiercely loyal. His best friend from first grade was a guy called Mark James Ewert. John always called him by all three names. Mark James Ewert moved away at the end of that year and hasn't been heard from since. That's a lot of years. John still not only remembers Mark James Ewert and not only still calls him Mark James Ewert, he's ready to resume being best friends again any time. Mark James Ewert: if you're out there, please get in touch.
The following features bear John's insidious imprint: