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Added: 21 September 2000

Dr. Bollocks' Guide to Impressive Sex

Yes, good evening. People are always asking me questions because they know I'm going to know the answer no matter what it is they're trying to find out. Recently a young man came up to me as I strolled through the goodly town on my daily constitutional with a look of quiet desperation in his eyes. He grabbed onto my shirt sleeve in the most plaintive fashion as I maintained a debonair sense of composure, even élan. "Dr. Bollocks," said this brash, reckless fellow, quavering slightly. "Help me, for I am never really sure whether I am able to stimulate the female to orgasm."

I confess I was taken aback, not because of the starkness of the lad's confession, but because I suddenly understood that his was no doubt a very common problem and one to which my intellectual talents can and should be applied at once for the improvement of humanity's general welfare. I caution sensitive readers that the following advice is necessarily rather frank in its scientific approach to the challenge.

Let me state outright that it is a shameful state of affairs in which men find themselves, physically and emotionally groping and grasping and fumbling and pinching and snapping at the issue with their eyes closed. Ninety nine point forty two percent of all men are either blissfully unaware that they have a problem or else are paralyzed by mortification, fear, and ignorance. Fortunately the issue is in fact a simple one, and at last I am here to present my matter-of-fact findings on the issue in a straightforward and no-nonsense manner without flinching. If I am at times overly technical I apologize, but this is after all at heart a question of mastering technique, so there's no help for it. So strap on your seatbelts and let us dive into the matter quite candidly.

Right then. I've found in my travels that the most important thing to do, which most men will never understand because they're quite simply afraid to do the research, is gently to stimulate the woman's abulus propudum, more specifically the lower third or so, and never (initially) the upper fifth, also known as the balconius plushsportum, using a slightly moistened "pinky" finger in a small circular motion with a pressure of no greater than 0.012 pounds per square inch for a duration of no shorter than 17.4 seconds and no longer than a day point five. Moving on from there he is now free to use the outer pabulus laborum in turn to excite the dorsal metagoopis, not as a goal in itself but as a tantric process resulting in a feeling of ecstatic nothingness or euphoria for both parties, and sometimes third parties. Then and only then should he approach the gobulous nodulum minora, slowly so as not to frighten it and chase it back into its sheathed cavulum, using a "beckoning" motion with the index and/or middle fingers and a "come hither" look in the eyes. Lips should be pursed suggestively, luxuriously, if not petulantly. Remain relaxed.

At this point if the instructions have been followed meticulously, between 1.2 and 1.7 cubic gossameters of proticus gerbly will have been released and will be ready for wider distribution. I might note that one should never forget also to stimulate the highly sensitive tibulus taintly, a purpose for which the human tongue would seem ideally suited, in a "licking" or stroking motion interspersed with small plunging probes timed in counterpoint to her fribulous contractions. Breathe through the nose. Nostrils should be held slightly widened, hands free to work the accupressure points along the lung meridian and the omnium chakra, kidney-liver stasis activity should be lowered to 79 percent, with blood flow redirected and sweat gland pattern activity allocated so as to allow for 22 percent greater cooling in the cranial region. Relax: This takes practice! But it's well worth it.

For goodness sake, communicate during the whole process and don't just fumble around in the dark unguided. Just remember instructions should be lubricious rather than barked and can include chanting. Don't be afraid to bring a toolkit in a leather bag in order to be able to perform functions that are anatomically impossible for the unaided human body. I can recommend Dr. Johnson's Tentaculus Pendulum, in chrome or brushed steel with rubber tips and horse hair. Used carefully, there is nothing better for activating her Q spot, deactivating her L spot, and reorienting her T spot--sometimes all at the same time. Better bring a vacuum pump and some mittens.

My most prized technique however is the Excelsior Vibration, which can be developed in a few years time with diligent practice. Start by making relatively large circular motions using each part of your body in turn, gradually reducing the diameter of the concentric motion and focusing the intensity into ever smaller areas, finally being utterly motionless to the naked eye but vibrating frantically at the molecular level. Employ "tanden" breathing and clear the mind. Ultimately, it is possible to send out intensely thrilling sexual vibrations using any part of your body without moving a single striatic muscle. I once kept a woman friend of mine in a state of continuous orgasm for most of the 1960s using this effect and just the very tip of my nose. She lost a leg in the end but claims to have no regrets.

I'm not saying there's anything special about me, other than perhaps my willingness to experiment, my desire to please, and my outsized cranium. If my humble tale can help others to achieve their ecstatic potential, then I'm willing to talk unceasingly in the most forthright terms available until these concepts have been generally mastered.

Until next time, I'm Dr. Anthony Bollocks.