Abby Schoneboom
January
4th: Horse Blanket Stolen
Officer Single arrested a woman named Abby Schoneboom yesterday
on a charge of petty larceny. She is accused of stealing a horse
blanket, the property of the J. G. Cohn Company, from Nelson's stable,
and some potatoes, the property of some unknown person. Schoneboom,
who is already known to the police as a flim-flam operator, seems
to have fallen on hard times. She will answer for her crime before
Judge Raish and will likely receive 90 days in the County Jail.
June 6th: Petty Larcenist Arrested Again
Abigail Schoneboom, a hobo recently released from the County Jail,
stole a pair of trousers from Brown's store this morning and sold
them at Abraham's for 75 cents. She spent the money for booze and
was arrested by Officer Sayles but was later released on account
of Judge Raish's opinion that she only stole the trousers in order
to earn herself another 90 days of prison meals.
June 20th: Schoneboom Steals Whiskey--Caught With Goods
Notorious larcenist Abigail Schoneboom, recently spared by the leniency
of Judge Raish, cannot seem to stay out of trouble. She wandered
into the Palm saloon last night in a festive mood and hooked a bottle
of Tippecanoe whiskey while the barkeep's back was turned. The barkeep
turned around just in time to see Schoneboom beating it for the
door, but although he gave chase, she made a getaway. Schoneboom,
who is pockmarked and easily identifiable, was later found by Officer
Aldrich in the darkest corner of the Gilt Edge saloon, lubricating
her spark plug. She has been charged with drunkenness and theft,
and will appear in court on Thursday.
June 23rd: Blanket Thief Poisoned
Abigail Schoneboom, the infamous whiskey and horse blanket thief,
failed to appear in court today on account of belly sickness. Sheriff
Voss received word from Sherriff Chubbuck of Oroville that Schoneboom
had a day or so ago eaten some canned meat that stood for a day
or two, and is sick with ptomaine poisoning. The hearing has been
delayed until this time next month.
The following Bonkworld features bear Abby Schoneboom's insidious imprint:
Andy Pop Stories: The story that's never the same story twice!
Best Salesman in the World!: You don't buy this because it's cheap, you buy it because it's good!
Busy Mr. Stupid: A very busy man does some very stupid things.
Dirty Prospecting: The heart-rending tale of one woman's elusive search for a marketable, filthy domain name that nobody else has grabbed yet. Caution: This one really is quite filthy.
Falling Short: The second in the Bonkworld series of performance billiard poetry sees John go down in five pathos-laden games to his arch rival.
How Posh Is Posh Spice? A Guide for the Foreign Visitor: From the Bonkworld Lecture Series, the discerning observer's guide to such unerring class indicators as jaw tension and the Price-Commodity Reflex.
Magic Telly's Holiday Peep Show: Peculiar and nefarious movie clips from obscure spots round the world
Magic Telly's Relaxing Holiday: Magic telly flees to a Dutch island to live wholesomely.
Magic Telly's Teatime Treats: It's back! See where Magic Telly has been!
On Bathroom Lighting: You may be ugly, but you're not that ugly.
On Vacation Time: The Protestants have given us two things. We'll keep the condoms.
Pool for Girls: Acquire the confidence to cheat and win.
Project Skive: A dangerous new study of creative time-wasting and the English Worker
Sock Puppet Theater Presents: Garbage: A tawdry melodrama featuring an abusive sock puppet relationship.
SquishHead Butterfly: A violent yet peaceful video installation art masterpiece.
The Amazing Days Alive Calculator: New and improved! Find out exactly how many days you've been alive!
The Amazing Dostoevsky Machine: New and improved! Keep those character names straight by replacing things like Antononovich Ilyaskovilitsky Carbonelovov, aka Dunya, aka Antonechka, but not to be confused with Antononovitch Ilyaskelemnokov Carbontetrahedron, with easy, consistent names like "Timmy." Fun for the whole family!
The Bonkworld Lecture Series: With a real podium and everything!
The Bullet Train: Cars are sooooo twentieth century. Get hip to the new way to travel. Fast, fabulous, and cheap.
The Comeback: The first installment of the Bonkworld performance billiard poetry series.
The Race to One Thousand: The nineball fixation gets serious.
The Sausage and the City: At the heart of the existential novel...the sausage! Who knew?
World Trade Center Flash Animation: We actually made the newspapers and national television for this one...in Mexico!
Your Inner Pool Shark, Part I: The Mental Game: A pamphlet on the value of contempt, and important aesthetic considerations, such as smoking, drinking, and brawling.
Your Inner Pool Shark, Part II: The Perfect Rules: With this pamphlet in your back pocket and a willingness to hurl things and flee, you can face any opponent with a devious confidence.