John Schoneboom
John
Schoneboom is an omnivorous biped with enormous trailing arms the
size of Anacondas. He can often be seen drinking water or walking
from one place to another. Mr. Schoneboom enjoys natural and artificial
splendor and will hide behind the occasional potted plant. He has
an extended phenotype, and when threatened will inflate, bursting
the walls between sinus and eye socket, squirting out jets of blood
from his eyes to startle any would-be predators. A "melon"
structure on his head can emit a narrow beam of sound that is dangerous
to marine creatures.
Unapologetically born and raised on Long Island, Mr. Schoneboom has traveled forthrightly and enjoyed numerous hot dinners. He holds degrees in arcane subjects and grasps important concepts using only one of his powerful hands. With his other hand he is likely to point at things suddenly, making them freeze, before sauntering away with a peculiar and inimitable rhythm.
Mr. Schoneboom stays within his offensive game plan, steps up as necessary, and applies defensive pressure. He is caring and sensitive, yet quick to fight for no reason. Tiny and bulbous, Schoneboom usually dances wearing a false head made of plaster and bamboo matting. His homeless neighbors look upon him with scorn and ridicule as he floats past them in his gigantic ceramic chariot, meticulously buttoning his ever-present trousers.
The following Bonkworld features bear John Schoneboom's insidious imprint:
76 Trombones Revisited: I mean, can you remember the second verse?
A Christmas Family Stankpool: A holiday tale to blacken the heart
A Man of Forty: "Not bad...almost as good as new!"
Adventures in Bonkworld: An early excerpt from the perpetually unfinished novel, featuring Admiral Fontoon and his continuing quest to get out of bed.
Andy Pop Stories: The story that's never the same story twice!
Angst Among the Whores: One fine night in Nairobi...
Apopalypse Now: Bitter war story from an unpopped balloon.
Battle for the Moral Highground: Pool Customs Around the World: Yet another foray into the seamy world of bars and billiards, this time comparing international senses of honor in the United States, England, and Botswana.
Busy Mr. Stupid: A very busy man does some very stupid things.
Count Dracula's Journal: With any luck this will actually be an actual book one day, but here's a few installments to whet your appetite for now. It's Bram Stoker's famous story, told in comic fashion from Dracula's point of view.
Cross Examination: As timely as yesterday's Michael Jackson headlines...
Dirty-Sounding Basketball Phrases: Banal, yet indescribably amusing
Dreaming of Sri Chinmoy: So, there's this dream I have, and I wish it would go away...
Dreams of Jimmy Bannon: Jimmy Bannon is back, and this time he's a character in a one-act play. Winner of the Massachusetts Cultural Council 2001 Fellowship Award for playwriting (yes, really).
Dubya's Deftness Debatable: A little Flash fun at the expense of the embarrassing poo-brain George W. Bush.
Falling Short: The second in the Bonkworld series of performance billiard poetry sees John go down in five pathos-laden games to his arch rival.
Geordie Mike and the X-Ray Eye: Wherever you gan you're sure to find a Geordie...
Greetings from Fee Waybill: Fee says hello to Dave Meuser in his own special way.
In Ozz We Trust: You do understand that Ozzy is God, don't you?
Insult People in Cantonese: Learn to speak like an evil kung fu master!
John's World of Freethrows: A great new game with enormous time-wasting potential. Come on. Enter my world.
Magic Telly's Holiday Peep Show: Peculiar and nefarious movie clips from obscure spots round the world
Magic Telly's Teatime Treats: It's back! See where Magic Telly has been!
Man in Perspective: From the Bonkworld Lecture Series, a quasi-earnest bit of musing on time, space, and bipedalism. Includes the Early Man Quiz!
Meat Gizmo's Babe Tenderizer: The Game: Test your skills with this Flash-based game, and watch out for the Offensive Zone!
Near Employment Experience: A man confronts the spectre of his own employment
One-Page Play: The Beginning, Middle, and End of Rico: A tip of the hat to ol' Edward G. Robinson
One-Page Play: The Last Caper: Billy and Clyde face eternity in 60 seconds as they try to pull off one last, doomed heist.
Oscar's Bike Ride to the Moon: Oscar takes a bike ride to the moon courtesy of a borrowed song and some slapdash Flash.
Prize Chumps: A 4-Minute Play: A couple of nut jobs solve the big case.
Real Dream Journal: Real dreams...written down...
Schoneboom Family Pinochle: It's new and improved!
Sheep Suicide: When the sheep hits the wall. It happens.
Sock Puppet Theater Presents: Garbage: A tawdry melodrama featuring an abusive sock puppet relationship.
Spend the Federal Budget!: Go on a $622 billion spending spree! Whoopee! The People are speaking!
Spiderman Meets Bonkworld: Spiderman lives in our neighborhood, and we reckon that makes us pretty cool.
Spontaneous Combustion: Plays for people (and writers) with short attention spans
Sports Fan Steps Up: In a big Game Seven situation, Lakers fan John Schoneboom steps up when the team needs him most.
The Amazing Days Alive Calculator: New and improved! Find out exactly how many days you've been alive!
The Bad Stick: Can a pool cue be evil? Yes. Naughty, evil pool cue.
The Baudelaire 7000 Poetry Machine: Not all randomly generated poetry is created equal.
The Big Boy's Obsession with Banal Space Facts Machine: I'm telling you, these Big Boy's Space Facts are going to blow your mind.
The Bonkworld iPad Review: I think the title really says it all...
The Bonkworld Lecture Series: With a real podium and everything!
The Brewery: Fighting children is a tricky business.
The Comeback: The first installment of the Bonkworld performance billiard poetry series.
The Death of Paperclip Man: At times, it seems Paperclip Man is my most faithful friend. And that's just one of the reasons he must die.
The Dream of Stickyman: He's a superhero; he's just not very strong. A sticky excerpt from "Snooze Alarm," the Bonkworld novel.
The Duel: A five-minute 17th century gender ambiguity action farce
The Eleventh: Every day is September 11 for Jack Pendleton
The Incomprehensible Sportswriting of Jimmy Bannon: Breslin, Mailer, and their ilk couldn't carry this man's Olivetti. If you can figure out what he's on about, call the office.
The Last Caper: Don't do it: It's the golden rule of crime!
The Lighthouse at Wossafocken Point: Ahhh, I love lighthouses...
The Race to One Thousand: The nineball fixation gets serious.
The Utilitarian HTML De-Crappifier Machine: With apologies for actual usefulness: this thing eats Microsoft Word's putrid HTML, digests it, and regurgitates clean code. Like a dream for web designers forced to make a page from a Word document!
Total Eclipse of the Sun: I was there! I was there! I was there!
Vampiro, or, The Limits of Dogs: He was Romanian. He was drunk. He told this story.
Why We Lost: An all-purpose explanation that can be adapted for use wherever excuses are called for.
With and Without: The World Trade Center: A few views from inside the city, with and without the WTC.
World Trade Center Flash Animation: We actually made the newspapers and national television for this one...in Mexico!
Your Inner Pool Shark, Part I: The Mental Game: A pamphlet on the value of contempt, and important aesthetic considerations, such as smoking, drinking, and brawling.
Your Inner Pool Shark, Part II: The Perfect Rules: With this pamphlet in your back pocket and a willingness to hurl things and flee, you can face any opponent with a devious confidence.