Spontaneous Combustion
Play Index: [Intro] [The Perfect Hat] [The Revolutionary and the Temp] [Dog Massacre] [The Ineffective Detective]
The Ineffective Detective
by John Schoneboom for Sasha Taublieb and Helene Galek
Characters: A Detective and a Client.
Setting: A detective's office. The detective is seated, cool, confident, at ease, slightly contemptuous. The client stands, perhaps pacing a bit, uncomfortable, nervous; she speaks in an English accent.
Client: So, how long is this supposed to be for, these formalities?
Detective: For as long as it takes to finish this meeting. I expect to be treated like a professional in my own office. You're my client, we have a business relationship...
Client: OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Detective: I treat you with professional respect, I expect to be treated with professional respect.
Client: I know, I'm sorry, that's fine.
Detective: Thank you.
Client: You're welcome.
Detective: Good.
Client: So I should call you...
Detective: Ms. Barlowe.
Client: OK.
Detective: I mean, I've told you fitdy times.
Client: How many times?
Detective: Fitdy!
Client: Fitdy times?
Detective: Fitdy! Fitdy times! Fitdy!
Client: OK, OK, I'm sorry, Ms. Barlowe. Can we talk about my case now?
Detective: Please. Now: what would you like to know?
client: Well, have you found anything out?
Detective: Oh yes, all sorts of things, I've been following him all over town.
client: You have? Oh good. Who did he meet at the library yesterday?
Detective: The library? Ahhhh, well, he met a woman. Yes, a dark haired, quite mysterious looking woman. I think she may have been Persian. Or Russian. In fact, she was a Russian Persian. She...
Client: He didn't go to the library yesterday.
Detective: Didn't he?
Client: No.
Detective: Are you sure?
Client: Quite sure.
Detective: You're wrong. He went, when you weren't looking, and I followed him, and he met a woman from Prussia, and...
Client: I was with him all day.
Detective: Exactly. You didn't let me finish. It wasn't him at all.
Client: Have you done any work on this case?
Detective: Tons! Rest assured, I've got a quite a docket going already on your husband. Do you see that filing cabinet?
Client: No.
Detective: Well I do, and it's half full of files on your husband and what he's been up to. It would curl your hair, the things I know!
Client: So go ahead, curl my hair, what have you got!?
Detective: All sorts of things! Where he goes, who he hangs out with, what he likes to eat...
Client: Where does he go? Who does he hang out with? What does he like to eat?
Detective: You don't know what your husband likes to eat?
Client: You tell me.
Detective: Fish.
Client: Wrong.
Detective: There's so much you don't know.
Client: He's allergic.
Detective: Is that what he tells you?
Client: I've taken him to the hospital. One time, there was this clam broth...
Detective: Well, he's changed, obviously. Perhaps that's why you hired me?
Client: Maybe it's me who's changed. I've gotten older...
Detective: Yes. And so has your husband. And so have I. I was once so small.
Client: Me too! And now I'm full-sized, and I'm not getting any taller. The times have changed. We don't know who to trust anymore. Our own loved ones, the people in our family, who knows, they could turn out to be...anything!
Detective: Within reason.
Client: Right.
Detective: There are many things they could not possibly turn out to be. Starting with the obvious: can of tuna, piece of soap.
Client: Rhinocerous.
Detective: Precisely. Process of elimination is ...
Client: Nice fluffy slippers.
Detective: That's enough. As I was saying, process of elimination is very important to a detective.
Client: But then there's all the things they could be. When I started seeing all those posters, I really started to worry. I never noticed how shady everyone is! Thank goodness you're here. I didn't know where to turn. I mean, my own husband -- he left his bag unattended the other day!
Detective: Where was this?
Client: Right in our home! It was chilling! I think he may be into something big.
Detective: OK, this is getting ridiculous. I am not playing along with this anymore. Game over.
Client: You're a bad detective! I'm telling you, the signs are everywhere if only you look for them all over the place!
Detective: Mom! Listen to me! I'm telling you! Dad is not some sort of secret operative, OK?
Client: How do you know? What if he's part of the avant garde...
Detective: And Mom, there's something else.
Client: What?
Detective: You're not English.
Client: What do you mean?
Detective: That accent. You should stop it.
Client: What accent?!
Detective: Mom...
Client: All right so I watch a lot of public television.
Detective: Mom, you're tired. You're tired and you're not well. I'm sorry, but dad and I are very worried about you.
Client: Really?
Detective: Yeah.
Client: So you think he still cares about me?
Detective: Mom, he loves you.
Client: Are you sure?
Detective: I'm so sure.
Client: But he had these blueprints and all these electrical wires!
Detective: Mom, that's enough! Look, I want you to go home and get some rest. Maybe you should think about seeing a doctor.
Client: Well...OK. I am pretty tired. Can I see you tomorrow?
Detective: Absolutely. Drop by in the afternoon, we'll talk. No charge.
Client: OK. I'm gonna go. I love you sweetie. I mean Ms. Barlowe.
Detective: I love you too Mom.
The Client leaves. The Detective suddenly speaks in a German accent.
Detective (cont'd): You can come out now Father, I've taken care of it. She suspects nothing!
-- LIGHTS OUT --
Play Index: [Intro] [The Perfect Hat] [The Revolutionary and the Temp] [Dog Massacre] [The Ineffective Detective]
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