Spontaneous Combustion
Play Index: [Intro] [The Perfect Hat] [The Revolutionary and the Temp] [Dog Massacre] [The Ineffective Detective]
Dog Massacre
by John Schoneboom for Lisa Donnelly and Julie Perkins
Lisa: Are you in, or are you out?
Julie: I'm not getting hanged and disemboweled.
Lisa: Couldn't you just picture it?
Julie: And beheaded and quartered.
Lisa: That's only if they consider it treason. They may well think it's just an ordinary dog massacre.
Julie: It's treason against dogs.
Lisa: Massacre. Dog massacre.
Julie: A dog massacre. Dogs are nice. It's disgusting.
Lisa: No, but it will be very...[searches for the right word] ... French.
Julie: Mm hm.
Lisa: Paris. 1730. Peasants and artisans, struggling to survive, and all around them: pampered cats. Rich, aristocratic cats. Overfed cats, cats with an offputting sense of entitlement. Naturally there was a huge uprising -- the great Paris Cat Massacre! Blood everywhere! I don't think anyone's done dogs.
Julie: Eww. It wasn't the cats' fault.
Lisa: Sacrifice is very important. The Aztecs would sacrifice their most beautiful man. For one year in advance he would live in luxury like a god, and everyone would bow down to him when they saw him. Maidens would be given to please him. Then when spring came, he would slowly climb the sacrificial altar playing his flute on each step, and when he got to the top they would tear his heart out and offer it to the sun.
Julie: Very French.
Lisa: Yes! Yes! Are you in?
Julie: What day is it again?
lisa: Sunday.
Julie: Out. Desperate Housewives.
Lisa: You can tape it.
Julie: But then I'd have to wait until Monday to watch it.
Lisa: Sacrifice, girlfriend, sacrifice! The Incas, for example, you know, the Incas, they'd...
Julie: I'm out! I'm not massacre-ing any dogs on Sunday.
Lisa: Well it's your loss.
Julie: I'll try to survive.
Lisa: It's going to be quite a dramatic artistic and political statement.
Julie: So is Desperate Housewives.
Lisa: It'll definitely make the news.
Julie: I'll definitely watch it.
Lisa: I think you watch an unhealthy amount of television. This is a chance for a stimulating outdoor activity. Get outside, massacre a few dogs, and Bob's your uncle.
Julie: Bob?
Lisa: It's an expression. You'll feel great.
Julie: I don't know. Something about it just bothers me.
Lisa: Like what?
Julie: I don't know. It's hard to put my finger on it exactly.
Lisa: It's too big, conceptually?
Julie: No no, I think it has more to do with, I don't know...
Lisa: What?
Julie: Killing all them dogs.
Lisa: But it's not killing, really, so much as, sort of...
Julie: Massacre-ing.
Lisa: Exactly. You can't picture it?
Julie: I can.
Lisa: This is a chance to do something fantastic, in a genuinely horrible way.
Julie: It's arguably pretty antisocial.
Lisa: Oui! Oui!
Julie: Does it have to be a whole massacre? Could we just think outside that box for a second? What if we, I don't know, kidnapped some evil executives, you know, tobacco and oil executives and the people who put additives in food, and we'd, we'd make them eat...one...dog.
Lisa: Each?
Julie: No no, come on, they'd split the one dog. One big dog.
Lisa: Raw?
Julie: Of course. I ain't cooking it for them.
Lisa: It's not bad. Yeah OK I'm in for that. You'd really help?
Julie: No way. That's disgusting!
--LIGHTS OUT--
Play Index: [Intro] [The Perfect Hat] [The Revolutionary and the Temp] [Dog Massacre] [The Ineffective Detective]
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