Spontaneous Combustion
Play Index: [Intro] [The Perfect Hat] [The Revolutionary and the Temp] [Dog Massacre] [The Ineffective Detective]
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| (Not Nancy and Dyanne) |
The Perfect Hat
by John Schoneboom for Nancy Sirianni and Dyanne Court
SETTING: Two hookers are standing on a street corner, having a conversation as they try to attract customers.
DYANNE: So what exactly does the policy cover?
NANCY: The pussy policy?
DYANNE: Whatever you want to call it.
NANCY: You're the one who called it that.
DYANNE: I did not.
NANCY: You did fucking so. You said my policy was for pussies.
DYANNE: Hey. It's your policy. I described it, I didn't name it. Call it whatever you want!
NANCY: How about 'cunt policy'?
DYANNE: Oh, I hate that word.
NANCY: Cunt?
DYANNE: No, policy. Yes, cunt.
NANCY: I like it. I use it all the time.
DYANNE: You don't. Nobody likes that word. Everybody hates it. Except for, I don't know...
NANCY: Cunts?
DYANNE: Right.
NANCY: See, it's perfect for that. It's a great word. It's a fucking great word.
DYANNE: Fine, but I still say pussy policy has more of a ring to it.
NANCY: Because pussy is nice and warm and soft and cunt is sharp and edgy.
DYANNE: No, because it has more of a ring to it. Pussy policy. Everyone should have a pussy policy, a penis policy, and a pissing policy.
NANCY: And a poo policy.
DYANNE: Of course.
NANCY: And a policy on the President's polyps.
DYANNE: Exactly. And a, and a, and a...oh fuck it, I can't think of anything else.
NANCY: Well, there's plenty of time for that, you can think of more later.
DYANNE: A procrastination policy!
NANCY: There you go. Anyway, we're digressing. Ask me again.
DYANNE: So what exactly does the policy cover?
NANCY: Everything.
DYANNE: Everything.
NANCY: Everything. It is an enormously holistic policy. In just a few simple tenets, it fundamentally challenges the philosophically bankrupt foundations of late capitalist Western society.
DYANNE: Ooh, wait: Porn Policy! People should also have a porn policy.
NANCY: Yes. Good. As I was saying. A gigantic policy to cover an entire way of life, comprised of a few simple rules of thumb.
DYANNE: Composed of.
NANCY: What?
DYANNE: Or comprising. Not 'comprised of.' Sorry. Pet peeve.
NANCY: Pet peeve policy. Thank you. Anyway. A far-reaching holistic policy to live by, comprising a few simple rules of thumb.
DYANNE: OK. Flesh it out.
NANCY: Number one, never buy anything if the salesperson is rude to you, no matter how much you want it.
DYANNE: What if it's the perfect hat?
NANCY: Remember that it can never be as perfect as the beautiful feeling of transcending material love and refusing to deal with condescending scum.
DYANNE: No, I mean a really perfect hat. Totally you and totally unique.
NANCY: Walk out in a huff and come back the next day and hope somebody else is working. And by the way, 'totally unique' is redundant. It's either unique or it isn't.
DYANNE: Touché. Next.
NANCY: Never eat processed foods. Organic, all the way. Make a statement. Reject mass-produced bullshit. Utterly.
DYANNE: What if the cashier at Healthy Pleasures is a cunt?
NANCY: Walk out in a huff and...
DYANNE: And you've got no food in the house at all and you're starving hungry.
NANCY: He won't be that much of a cunt. And there are four cashiers. Number three.
DYANNE: I mean what if they're all cunts? What if it's Kevin Cunt and his three sisters, Camille, Carrie, and Carlotta Cunt?
NANCY: Number three. Go home at five and never work weekends. Don't get sucked into this bizarre workaholic competition where everyone's like, oh, I worked half the night and most of the weekend, that's how dedicated I am. Bullshit! The line between life and work is sacred. Sacred!
DYANNE: What if you love your work?
NANCY: Then they've got you. It's too late.
DYANNE: What if you're an artist?
NANCY: As your job?
DYANNE: Yeah.
NANCY: Corporate sell-out. Number four. Are you ready? No cars.
DYANNE: Get serious.
NANCY: Nobody ever said it would be easy.
DYANNE: But I love driving.
NANCY: Me too. Love driving, hate cars.
DYANNE: Yeah, but...
NANCY: Do I have to go through the Robert Moses story again?
DYANNE: No, no, no!
NANCY: Good. Let's just accept that cars are at the center of everything evil and wrong-headed in the world. Pollution is only the tip of the iceberg. They're ruining everything. No cars.
DYANNE: What about getting between Brooklyn and Queens?
NANCY: There's the G. Isn't there?
DYANNE: Yeah. It runs twice a day, except when you need it. I mean come on, the G train? Forget the G train. There's no G train. There's never a G train. Face it. If you don't have a car, what you need is a taxi.
NANCY: No cars! You can grab the L or the W or something and go through Manhattan. It doesn't take that long. Or there's buses. I'm sure there are buses.
DYANNE: You've just come out of a party in Park Slope. It's three in the morning. It's nine degrees outside. You're wasted.
NANCY: OK, OK, OK, the occasional taxi, if it's truly dire. Twice a year, tops!
DYANNE: That's your taxi policy?
NANCY: That's it.
DYANNE: Are there lots more of these?
NANCY: I'll wrap it up. Five: No TV, obviously, it's like having your brain sucked out by the Matrix, but renting movies is fine. Six: throw out all your possessions every two years and start over. Seven: travel as often as possible, but never pack what won't fit in a bum bag and never stay in hotels.
DYANNE: So it's a simplification thing.
NANCY: Well, if you want to simplify the whole thing. It's about doing everything you can to bust out of the whole maximum work, maximum consumption cycle. That's for suckers. Stay free. Don't get trapped.
DYANNE: This must be where you get overly earnest.
NANCY: Number eight: Never get overly earnest. I don't know. It's about independence. Maybe I just don't want to be scared or hurt.
DYANNE: Sounds like my penis policy.
NANCY: Sounds like my poo policy! No, but what do you think, seriously. Good policy?
DYANNE: It's for pussies.
NANCY: You cunt!
-- LIGHTS OUT --
Play Index: [Intro] [The Perfect Hat] [The Revolutionary and the Temp] [Dog Massacre] [The Ineffective Detective]
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