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John Schoneboom

John Schoneboom is often asked by a particular six-year-old boy to provide quiz questions to relieve the monotony of a metro ride. As a result, Schoneboom studies, Schoneboom knows things. Alpha Centauri? 4.2 lightyears. And it's three stars, not one.

One time a dentist said wow when looking in John's mouth. His teeth and breath were top drawer and his gums were absolutely stellar, but -- and John had not known this until that day -- the bony protuberances below his bottom teeth in the space below his tongue were highly unusual.

These days he sometimes pretends to need a poo, just to have a few dependable minutes of peace and quiet to himself.

The following features bear John's insidious imprint:

  1. Death and the Modern Apple: A mysterious apple salesman plumbs the depths of a young couple's subconscious desires.
  2. Jimmy Bannon Quote Generator: Random words of wisdom from the myth himself.
  3. Fontoon: The Short Film: Golly, it's like a novel come to life!
  4. Snoring and Laughing: Boys with a tape recorder and a snoring friend
  5. Spend the Federal Budget!: Go on a $1.26 trillion spending spree! Whoopee! The People are speaking!
  6. Jarmusch Got My Robot: I'm telling you, the guy's been stalking me.
  7. One-Page Play: The Beginning, Middle, and End of Rico: A tip of the hat to ol' Edward G. Robinson
  8. Hemingway's Toilet: The night Hemingway was my roommate
  9. Andy Pop Stories: The story that's never the same story twice!
  10. Prize Chumps: A 4-Minute Play: A couple of nut jobs solve the big case.
  11. Schoneboom Family Pinochle: It's new and improved!
  12. The Baudelaire 7000 Poetry Machine: Not all randomly generated poetry is created equal.
  13. The Last Caper: Don't do it: It's the golden rule of crime!
  14. The Brewery: Fighting children is a tricky business.
  15. The Duel: A five-minute 17th century gender ambiguity action farce
  16. The Eleventh: Every day is September 11 for Jack Pendleton
  17. Near Employment Experience: A man confronts the spectre of his own employment
  18. The Revolutionary and the Temp: Spontaneous? Combustible? A short play written in a short time.
  19. Sheep Suicide: When the sheep hits the wall. It happens.
  20. Geordie Mike and the X-Ray Eye: Wherever you gan you're sure to find a Geordie...
  21. The Dream of Stickyman: He's a superhero; he's just not very strong. A sticky excerpt from the novel "Fontoon."
  22. Sock Puppet Theater Presents: Garbage: A tawdry melodrama featuring an abusive sock puppet relationship.
  23. Spiderman Meets Bonkworld: Spiderman lives in our neighborhood, and we reckon that makes us pretty cool.
  24. John's World of Freethrows: A great new game with enormous time-wasting potential. Come on. Enter my world.
  25. Insult People in Cantonese: Learn to speak like an evil kung fu master!
  26. The Bad Stick: Can a pool cue be evil? Yes. Naughty, evil pool cue.
  27. Angst Among the Whores: One fine night in Nairobi...
  28. The Amazing Days Alive Calculator: New and improved! Find out exactly how many days you've been alive!
  29. World Trade Center Flash Animation: We actually made the newspapers and national television for this one...in Mexico!
  30. Total Eclipse of the Sun: I was there! I was there! I was there!
  31. The Amazing Space Machine: I'm telling you, these Big Boy's Space Facts are going to blow your mind.
  32. The Bonkworld Lecture Series: With a real podium and everything!
  33. Your Inner Pool Shark, Part II: The Perfect Rules: With this pamphlet in your back pocket and a willingness to hurl things and flee, you can face any opponent with a devious confidence.
  34. Meat Gizmo's Babe Tenderizer: The Game: Test your skills with this Flash-based game, and watch out for the Offensive Zone!
  35. Apopalypse Now: Bitter war story from an unpopped balloon.
  36. Dreams of Jimmy Bannon: Jimmy Bannon is back, and this time he's a character in a one-act play. Winner of the Massachusetts Cultural Council 2001 Fellowship Award for playwriting (yes, really).
  37. Man in Perspective: From the Bonkworld Lecture Series, a quasi-earnest bit of musing on time, space, and bipedalism. Includes the Early Man Quiz!
  38. Battle for the Moral Highground: Pool Customs Around the World: Yet another foray into the seamy world of bars and billiards, this time comparing international senses of honor in the United States, England, and Botswana.
  39. Falling Short: The second in the Bonkworld series of performance billiard poetry sees John go down in five pathos-laden games to his arch rival.
  40. A Man of Forty: "Not bad...almost as good as new!"
  41. Why We Lost: An all-purpose explanation that can be adapted for use wherever excuses are called for.
  42. Count Dracula's Journal: Finally, Dracula gets to tell his side.
  43. The Incomprehensible Sportswriting of Jimmy Bannon: Breslin, Mailer, and their ilk couldn't carry this man's Olivetti. If you can figure out what he's on about, call the office.
  44. Busy Mr. Stupid: A very busy man does some very stupid things.
  45. Fontoon: An early excerpt from the novel, featuring Admiral Fontoon and his continuing quest to get out of bed.
  46. The Comeback: The first installment of the Bonkworld performance billiard poetry series.
  47. Vampiro, or, The Limits of Dogs: He was Romanian. He was drunk. He told this story.
  48. Your Inner Pool Shark, Part I: The Mental Game: A pamphlet on the value of contempt, and important aesthetic considerations, such as smoking, drinking, and brawling.