John Schoneboom is a bipedal anthropoid who revels in the sensitivity of his own fingertips. Ask him for his card; he's probably got a David Wright in his wallet.
John reckons if you've got a friend who's gone missing and could potentially be dead, god forbid, and it's the fourth quarter of game four and the Lakers have cut the Celtics' lead to single digits, everyone should lay off trying to get him to talk about the friend. If they're dead, it's obviously a real tragedy, but they'll be just as dead after the game is finished.
He currently owns six pairs of eyeglasses because he finds it really difficult to throw any of them away. Also: too many underpants.
The following features bear John's insidious imprint: